All, and welcome to my Journey of my LONG weight loss stories.... well since I was a wee child, I have always been skinny up til I was 20 yrs old. as a child my parents had a hard time feeding me because I was a fussy eater and my mom had to put me on a B.r.a.t. diet as a child and for milk my cousin rosie and my grandmother came up with a solution to get me to drink it, put chocolate syrup in it ..whala I drank milk. my mom brought me to ton of doctors as a child for my various medical issues, It seems I was allergic to everything Under the sun including grass. and the doctors put on so many meds that it interfered with my eating properly what child would have a diet if medication was constantly in her system. so a dr I saw as a child finaly told her what all the other doctors didn't and couldn't find out.. I was growing on my own little curve. I wasn't going to be tiny for ever, my parents thought I was going to be a midget or a dwarf all my life because of these other doctors opinions. well Ill be happy to tell you, Im not a dwarf or a Midget Im just like many other woman Im just your average short girl size. anywho , I am someone who growing up it became hard to eat because of bullying and people picking on me when I ate. I to this day talk a lot to avoid eating in public. Ive had nightmares where bullying happens all over again and im this little girl being picked on because I stared at the wrong person for a second. I constantly was told don't stare at me stare at your food. and when I was living with my extended family eating became even harder. living at my auints house, we barley had food because I didn't know how to cook and my family never made for for me exept on seldom occations, this lead to bad eating behaviors. I learned to shut off my sense of the savating to the smell of cooked or cooking foods. food was my last concern. as a child or a pree teen it shouldn't be this way but to me it was survival. appreciate what you got in front of you. while you have it. the most I ate was meals at school during lunch those would last me all day and even after cheerleading practice. I never ate sweets or cookies. exept when I was having visitation with my mom or my dad. and then when I was again in another "foster parent of my family a few yrs down the road, my auint x told me, she wanted me out of the house b4 she left, they bitched about the food I ate, so I stopped eating dispite the fact they got a monthly allowance of over 1,500 a month from the state to have custody of me to feed me and cloth me, I had to eat school lunch work my ass off to get 100 a week, to pay for food to eat, and to travel from work to home every night I wasn't able to take the bus. many nights I would starve myself. because when I was hme they would make fat jokes towards me and I would have to put up with my drunk auints rants and boozy additude tward me. and then 1 time my uncle put a pound of peas on my plate and wouldn't let me leave til I ate every single one. and he stared at me making pig and grunting and onking while scarving down his plate, I became so sick afterwords I puked it all up. again this is from anyone watching me eat my food. I don't like to be or feel like Im being watched while I eat like its wrong to eat my food. I would eat like a gerbil or a bird so I wouldn't look like a pig who scarved down her food like a horse at this time I was 96 pounds. I pushed myself when I was starving slapping my legs to move when they didn't have energy or pinching myself as hard as a could on my stomach sqeezing my skin to stop the hunger paings I was lucky my jr summer yr when I was working at the mall because a guy saw me n liked me, and I ate when ever I was with him because I didn't feel judged. I tried so hard to be acceptable and boney so guys and people would like me boney fingers ,legs and arms and I made sure I could always feel my ribcage. I meausured my arms and legs and waist by my fingers, if I could touch my fingers to my other fingers when I wrapped them around parts of my body I was skinny enough.it was a daily ritual. I might have had hunger pangs but I never passed out, but I did feel faint often. I also often had head aches, prob was it never stopped my period or made me not have boobs no matter what I did I still had curves. my uncle joked about how he could get me into amusment parks as a child exept I had boobs. and I was 18, my uncle and auint and even my cousin never ever treated me as a family member in there home I was just a guest. I never had a key and because they let my cousin on the internet 24/7(dial up) I couldn't call them even if I wanted to. I even slept outside 1 time in the cold fall night outside on there bench because I coudnt get in. and they wanted me to be home that night. the bf I had was ok but he didn't have anywhere for me to sleep if I wanted to stay over and he smoked. being around so many smokers In my life prob elevated my freaking tumor I got. Im glad I never smoked or drank but Im upset that my little sister didn't follow my footsteps. my moms side of the family really had some serious eating issues. why did they pick on me. anywho fast forward to age 20 I moved out and lived on my own and I bought grocerys for myself. I got so use to not eating that I would often forget to feed myself. I fed my cat but forgot to feed myself. again I reverted back to my old ways of pinching myself to stop my hunger pangs. but at work it was unavoidable, so I got the food that I loved the mos.. kraft mac n cheese during my breaks and I ate a lot of cookies. because I didn't want to show my eating problem. I would drink liquid but had a hard time and to this day have a hard time unless its pasta to eat the whole meal infront of people. how ever when I was 20 I became really really sick in dec,jan and feb and I went to the er it got so bad I couldn't hokd down liquids, jello nothing. come to find out Im motion sick. and Im dying from a tumor. fast forward to the after tumor removal, they pump me full of drugs to get me to become human again. I still couldn't hold down anything and still upchucking even the iv fluids. I dropped to 75 pounds. so they pumped up the drugs to steroids N other concoctions. to get my strength back. and my appitie came back how ever I forgot what food tasted like. the first thing I had was soda, Omg was it good to have that. I could rememeber names of stuff but what they tatsted like what alien to me. so to me the first yr of my life post surgery was adjusting to food. and the steroids didn't immediately cause a vapid weight gain til a few months later when littlee skinny girl went from 96 pounds to 120 I was not use to carrying around weight. but its my fault all I ate was skittles for 90 % of my recovery andI rushed back to work. and then my wiehgt crept up and up and I was 199 pounds my first yr returning from the surgery over the years it was a sea saw of my weight. in 0706-07 I lost a lot of weight from dieting and a healthy meal plan that to this day I think my x roommate would put drugs into my food. and I would exercise with the exercise bike I bought. and go for a hour walk with the dog. I liked having a dog to walk because it made me want to walk. and fast forward to 09 I gained all the weight Id lost because of anti depression pills and my bells palsy medications. I ballooned to 160-170-180 all because of my stress and depression from losing the job I use to own and the fact that I couldn't be the provider anymore or the bread winner and my then x bf who left me that summer took a toll on me. I cried a lot and I ate my feelings. I still feel as though no one wants me because Im a monster and a hippo. and when they do get me they will get what they want for a night and just leave and never come back and call and tell me like the last 5 guys'Its not you its me" or "Im sorry your not my type" yippee for you. so instead now I moved out of the house I woned with my x bf who left me in az to fend for myself here with rsing bills and no money for anything. I filed chapter 13 in 2011 and in 2012 I finally got to move out. to where I live now. problem is I am surrently in a financial pickle yet again and my health issues are not up to snuff. it seems I have mild scoliosis and I retore everything in my ankle when I moved and that's not awesome. and my weight ballooned up. to 188 and since moving here in sept 2012 I went from 188 to 177.5 this past 2013 and as of jan 8th I am now 168.5 I don't work out but I am limiting my eating habits and sleeping a lot more. or having very screwed up sleeping pattern. I sleep from 4-5 or 7-8 am til 1200-2pm or 5pm sometimes. I feel Im the most relaxed and happy when Im sleeping. when Im awake everything just nags me. I want to eat but Im like if I wait a little longer maybe that will help me lose a pound or 2 and Im down to eating 1-2 meals a day. I get bad headaches. I just started a new anxiety/depressionmed so im hoping it helps my mood. my pstd makes me suffer because of the pain n suffering Ive been through. that's a whole nother chaper. this one is my LONG weight loss journey, I just wish I could be on the biggest loser so I would have coaches to help me get to and achieve my goals. I cannot afford a gym anymore and my motivation at home beside pt excersices are Null. its easier with a workout buddy. or as kristey alley called it in "fat actress" "a chubby buddy" I really want someone to motivate me and help me get to that point again where Im healthy but skinny. I miss the 130 pound self I was in 06-&07. Im not doing it the healthy way because I don't have someone helping guide me or helping get my 3 meals a day/and eating my salads. ect. what lead me off this trail was meeting my x bf he lead me to not exersice anymore because I felt comfortable in the the relationship , that he would love me no matter what, and I was wrong. a man wants you to stay the girl they met when they first met you don't deter from that image and I did because of my depression, and mental breakdown and the bells palsy onset, I didn't feel sexy, wanted to wantable anymore I felt like a moster. I hid as often as I could I hated going out.. I had a hard time socializing and he saw that and used it all against me. if yu want that grade a beefcake, honey you better keep ur good looks or your gonna loose him. I can see now why these gold diggers are so high mantantance, they work out, they have fancy clothing they get what ever they want because they look good. and they get the guy or girl that goes along with that. so now in 2014 my goal is to get my selxy back, I gave up on getting a man because since Im not a gold digging whore who spends 50 mins on make up application or what ever Im not fit for anyone, I also just need to work on me. there isn't anyone in my life surrent or future who it seems will help me become a better me or help my self esteem unless it benefits them for a night not a year or a week but only a night, f that dude. if I get hot again, no man will touch me. I wont allow them to I will end up a prude. because Ive been mistreated so manytimes Im just done. I want to get helthy but relationship wise, Im looking for a friend to help me become a healthy and trimmer me. heres to my future may it hold a better lighter version of me.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
MY Long Weight loss journey
All, and welcome to my Journey of my LONG weight loss stories.... well since I was a wee child, I have always been skinny up til I was 20 yrs old. as a child my parents had a hard time feeding me because I was a fussy eater and my mom had to put me on a B.r.a.t. diet as a child and for milk my cousin rosie and my grandmother came up with a solution to get me to drink it, put chocolate syrup in it ..whala I drank milk. my mom brought me to ton of doctors as a child for my various medical issues, It seems I was allergic to everything Under the sun including grass. and the doctors put on so many meds that it interfered with my eating properly what child would have a diet if medication was constantly in her system. so a dr I saw as a child finaly told her what all the other doctors didn't and couldn't find out.. I was growing on my own little curve. I wasn't going to be tiny for ever, my parents thought I was going to be a midget or a dwarf all my life because of these other doctors opinions. well Ill be happy to tell you, Im not a dwarf or a Midget Im just like many other woman Im just your average short girl size. anywho , I am someone who growing up it became hard to eat because of bullying and people picking on me when I ate. I to this day talk a lot to avoid eating in public. Ive had nightmares where bullying happens all over again and im this little girl being picked on because I stared at the wrong person for a second. I constantly was told don't stare at me stare at your food. and when I was living with my extended family eating became even harder. living at my auints house, we barley had food because I didn't know how to cook and my family never made for for me exept on seldom occations, this lead to bad eating behaviors. I learned to shut off my sense of the savating to the smell of cooked or cooking foods. food was my last concern. as a child or a pree teen it shouldn't be this way but to me it was survival. appreciate what you got in front of you. while you have it. the most I ate was meals at school during lunch those would last me all day and even after cheerleading practice. I never ate sweets or cookies. exept when I was having visitation with my mom or my dad. and then when I was again in another "foster parent of my family a few yrs down the road, my auint x told me, she wanted me out of the house b4 she left, they bitched about the food I ate, so I stopped eating dispite the fact they got a monthly allowance of over 1,500 a month from the state to have custody of me to feed me and cloth me, I had to eat school lunch work my ass off to get 100 a week, to pay for food to eat, and to travel from work to home every night I wasn't able to take the bus. many nights I would starve myself. because when I was hme they would make fat jokes towards me and I would have to put up with my drunk auints rants and boozy additude tward me. and then 1 time my uncle put a pound of peas on my plate and wouldn't let me leave til I ate every single one. and he stared at me making pig and grunting and onking while scarving down his plate, I became so sick afterwords I puked it all up. again this is from anyone watching me eat my food. I don't like to be or feel like Im being watched while I eat like its wrong to eat my food. I would eat like a gerbil or a bird so I wouldn't look like a pig who scarved down her food like a horse at this time I was 96 pounds. I pushed myself when I was starving slapping my legs to move when they didn't have energy or pinching myself as hard as a could on my stomach sqeezing my skin to stop the hunger paings I was lucky my jr summer yr when I was working at the mall because a guy saw me n liked me, and I ate when ever I was with him because I didn't feel judged. I tried so hard to be acceptable and boney so guys and people would like me boney fingers ,legs and arms and I made sure I could always feel my ribcage. I meausured my arms and legs and waist by my fingers, if I could touch my fingers to my other fingers when I wrapped them around parts of my body I was skinny enough.it was a daily ritual. I might have had hunger pangs but I never passed out, but I did feel faint often. I also often had head aches, prob was it never stopped my period or made me not have boobs no matter what I did I still had curves. my uncle joked about how he could get me into amusment parks as a child exept I had boobs. and I was 18, my uncle and auint and even my cousin never ever treated me as a family member in there home I was just a guest. I never had a key and because they let my cousin on the internet 24/7(dial up) I couldn't call them even if I wanted to. I even slept outside 1 time in the cold fall night outside on there bench because I coudnt get in. and they wanted me to be home that night. the bf I had was ok but he didn't have anywhere for me to sleep if I wanted to stay over and he smoked. being around so many smokers In my life prob elevated my freaking tumor I got. Im glad I never smoked or drank but Im upset that my little sister didn't follow my footsteps. my moms side of the family really had some serious eating issues. why did they pick on me. anywho fast forward to age 20 I moved out and lived on my own and I bought grocerys for myself. I got so use to not eating that I would often forget to feed myself. I fed my cat but forgot to feed myself. again I reverted back to my old ways of pinching myself to stop my hunger pangs. but at work it was unavoidable, so I got the food that I loved the mos.. kraft mac n cheese during my breaks and I ate a lot of cookies. because I didn't want to show my eating problem. I would drink liquid but had a hard time and to this day have a hard time unless its pasta to eat the whole meal infront of people. how ever when I was 20 I became really really sick in dec,jan and feb and I went to the er it got so bad I couldn't hokd down liquids, jello nothing. come to find out Im motion sick. and Im dying from a tumor. fast forward to the after tumor removal, they pump me full of drugs to get me to become human again. I still couldn't hold down anything and still upchucking even the iv fluids. I dropped to 75 pounds. so they pumped up the drugs to steroids N other concoctions. to get my strength back. and my appitie came back how ever I forgot what food tasted like. the first thing I had was soda, Omg was it good to have that. I could rememeber names of stuff but what they tatsted like what alien to me. so to me the first yr of my life post surgery was adjusting to food. and the steroids didn't immediately cause a vapid weight gain til a few months later when littlee skinny girl went from 96 pounds to 120 I was not use to carrying around weight. but its my fault all I ate was skittles for 90 % of my recovery andI rushed back to work. and then my wiehgt crept up and up and I was 199 pounds my first yr returning from the surgery over the years it was a sea saw of my weight. in 0706-07 I lost a lot of weight from dieting and a healthy meal plan that to this day I think my x roommate would put drugs into my food. and I would exercise with the exercise bike I bought. and go for a hour walk with the dog. I liked having a dog to walk because it made me want to walk. and fast forward to 09 I gained all the weight Id lost because of anti depression pills and my bells palsy medications. I ballooned to 160-170-180 all because of my stress and depression from losing the job I use to own and the fact that I couldn't be the provider anymore or the bread winner and my then x bf who left me that summer took a toll on me. I cried a lot and I ate my feelings. I still feel as though no one wants me because Im a monster and a hippo. and when they do get me they will get what they want for a night and just leave and never come back and call and tell me like the last 5 guys'Its not you its me" or "Im sorry your not my type" yippee for you. so instead now I moved out of the house I woned with my x bf who left me in az to fend for myself here with rsing bills and no money for anything. I filed chapter 13 in 2011 and in 2012 I finally got to move out. to where I live now. problem is I am surrently in a financial pickle yet again and my health issues are not up to snuff. it seems I have mild scoliosis and I retore everything in my ankle when I moved and that's not awesome. and my weight ballooned up. to 188 and since moving here in sept 2012 I went from 188 to 177.5 this past 2013 and as of jan 8th I am now 168.5 I don't work out but I am limiting my eating habits and sleeping a lot more. or having very screwed up sleeping pattern. I sleep from 4-5 or 7-8 am til 1200-2pm or 5pm sometimes. I feel Im the most relaxed and happy when Im sleeping. when Im awake everything just nags me. I want to eat but Im like if I wait a little longer maybe that will help me lose a pound or 2 and Im down to eating 1-2 meals a day. I get bad headaches. I just started a new anxiety/depressionmed so im hoping it helps my mood. my pstd makes me suffer because of the pain n suffering Ive been through. that's a whole nother chaper. this one is my LONG weight loss journey, I just wish I could be on the biggest loser so I would have coaches to help me get to and achieve my goals. I cannot afford a gym anymore and my motivation at home beside pt excersices are Null. its easier with a workout buddy. or as kristey alley called it in "fat actress" "a chubby buddy" I really want someone to motivate me and help me get to that point again where Im healthy but skinny. I miss the 130 pound self I was in 06-&07. Im not doing it the healthy way because I don't have someone helping guide me or helping get my 3 meals a day/and eating my salads. ect. what lead me off this trail was meeting my x bf he lead me to not exersice anymore because I felt comfortable in the the relationship , that he would love me no matter what, and I was wrong. a man wants you to stay the girl they met when they first met you don't deter from that image and I did because of my depression, and mental breakdown and the bells palsy onset, I didn't feel sexy, wanted to wantable anymore I felt like a moster. I hid as often as I could I hated going out.. I had a hard time socializing and he saw that and used it all against me. if yu want that grade a beefcake, honey you better keep ur good looks or your gonna loose him. I can see now why these gold diggers are so high mantantance, they work out, they have fancy clothing they get what ever they want because they look good. and they get the guy or girl that goes along with that. so now in 2014 my goal is to get my selxy back, I gave up on getting a man because since Im not a gold digging whore who spends 50 mins on make up application or what ever Im not fit for anyone, I also just need to work on me. there isn't anyone in my life surrent or future who it seems will help me become a better me or help my self esteem unless it benefits them for a night not a year or a week but only a night, f that dude. if I get hot again, no man will touch me. I wont allow them to I will end up a prude. because Ive been mistreated so manytimes Im just done. I want to get helthy but relationship wise, Im looking for a friend to help me become a healthy and trimmer me. heres to my future may it hold a better lighter version of me.
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